These last four months of my life have been a huge learning experience- I may not understand it all yet but my brain and my heart just need time to process it all.
It started prior to my moving 2,000 miles across country. I was living with someone who I trusted alot but he didn't want a girlfriend while he was going to his last year of college. I knew this was coming and I don't resent him because it does take effort to maintain a relationship but it was still a huge blow to my heart in the days leading up to my move.
I moved for various reasons. I felt trapped where I was before, thought this new place held better experiences, and I wanted to experience something new. My aunt had an apartment available for me as well as a job. The only people I know out here are her, my grandfather, and his wife but I have no real connection with them.
I cried when I said goodbye to my love, and after I had lunch with my mother. The trip loomed before me but I knew it was something I needed to do. My love was adamant about us talking as the distance between me and everything I knew increased as the days went on, and three days later, I arrived at my grandparent's house. I was welcomed by no one- they had gone out to have dinner with some friends. I went upstairs to the guest bedroom, stunned at what I had just done and completely alone.
My goal was to make it here for the 4th of July, and I did. The fireworks were cooler here but I watched them from outside where my new job was to be, a bar. I'm not very friendly with bars but it's where my aunt happened to be.
I start working on my apartment to get out of my grandparent's house asap. The floors left my rags black and the walls took alot of time to paint. Under her graciousness, I got first months rent from the cleanup work. Thank goodness since my back account was pretty much zero upon my arrival. I unpack my car and set up my house.
The first month was rough. I didn't know anyone, college hadn't started, and my family didn't want anything to do with me. My salvation was my work trainer, who was a friendly guy who made me feel welcomed where I was. It was my first human connection here and we became friends as I learned about my job.
I was set up to meet another friend who I was weary about at first but they turned out to be pretty cool.
My friends that I left behind maintained contact with me which was another salvation, as well as my love.
I loved work- I could go in when I wanted, it was at the bar during the day so I didn't have to deal with anyone, I made good money, and I could leave when I wanted to be done so long as my tasks were complete.
School started and I set myself up with my adviser. I decided to take summer classes as well to get my associates this year to make up for having failed some classes my first college year. I have to travel back and forth between two campuses. My grades kicked ass which make me happy. After awhile I broke out into hives and had to go to emergency care for steroids. My grandfather paid for this.
I kept trucking along, worried about what my relationship with my friends and my love would turn out to be. I almost lost one friend due to my selfish thinking but she allowed me back into her life, and I lost another one because she fumed about something that my love had said, after having made him apologize to her. So not only had he apologized but she held a grudge for five months against ME and didn't bring the situation up.
The people I attracted as friends weren't favorable ones. People generally guess my age to be between 24-26 (I'm 19) and they'd approach me thinking I was date-able. I was so lonely and distant from everything that I kept my age to myself and interacted with them but made it clear I had to intention of anything more than a friendship. Just recently I even had to tell the 34 year old that I wasn't going to have him as my friend anymore because he kept alluding to us having something "special". The other 34 and 28 year old seemed to get the point when I told them my age. Finally I managed to make a female friend and I started getting involved with hanging out with my new friends.
Then things started going south.
My friend who was supposed to be and had been my roommate got a job and was going to prolong her move to save some money. I know find out she's sick (cancer possibility) and she needs to be with her family. That trows a wrench in my finances as I now have to continue to pay rent on my own rather than save. (Another roommate is out of the option- I'm very difficult to live with).
My love is being stubborn- abstains from other girls, sends me pictures, still has feelings for me, is coming to visit and eventually to live here a month again but will still be leaving for Japan without my after his schooling. I would absolutely love to go with him but he doesn't want me to alter my life for him. (Which I get because love can be fickle.)
My grandparents like to throw money at me. I don't like this because I am an independent and I don't need it. It was okay when it was the car insurance (it's more expensive here than where I was) and the internet. But then she wanted to put money in my bank, and are leasing me a car because they didn't see the benefit of fixing my '98. So now I drive a 2014 which they also pay the insurance for and was going to crush my car which they're now deciding to fix (since I'm NOT driving it now) because it's clearly worth putting money into now. My grandmother likes to say that denying her giving me money means I'm telling her to "fuck off" (in her own words) and that I "hate her" when we were discussing my rent problem and possibly staying with them for awhile. And when I said they need to keep my opinion in mind while they try to dictate my life, my grandfather laughed.
Then I talk to my aunt about vising my family for four weeks. As my aunt and employer she said yes. When I brought it up again she turned on me and said that I was being selfish for accepting the terms we agreed upon and that I should have chosen to stay a shorter amount of time. Which I would have, had she not gave me the okay for four weeks. And then she went to to say we may need to "reconsider my employment opportunities when I get back". So she tells me somethings okay, freaks out on me, threatens my job, blamed me for her not vising that side of the family (she only went back for my other grandmother who is actually coming here for the winter) by saying she didn't want me to be lonely (we haven't spent a lick of time together in my four months being here) and then yells at me to get out of the bar when I try and talk with her and make sense of everything.
I cut myself a couple of times when I lived where I was and I would have a better sense of self when I moved. And I did for awhile but I cut myself more now than I had before. I don't make an effort to hide it because I live with the decisions I make. I laugh when my aunt doesn't notice.
I worry about never being home for my pets, two ferrets and a kitten, and was worried about being able to buy food for them but I'd sooner feed them than myself since I took them on as my responsibility. But I even thought of selling them to get them to someone who has more time to give them attention and to put the money in my back.
I do make hats and worked a seasonal job for extra money.
But I'm coming to the conclusion that I need to go back home. I'd have to live in my sister's garage while I got back on my feet and I'd only be able to find a minimum wage job but it'd be better than having to go threw this psychological warfare with this side of the family. I can't even call them family because the feeling that they are is not there.
So I move here, loose a lover, loose a friend, get more depressed, think I have a great job than have it threatened to be torn out form under me for going to see my family, not get my car fixed for me but get it fixed to sell so that when this lease is over I'll be out of a vehicle, am not saving the money I need since my roommates not here, that same person may have cancer, another one of my friends has been to the suicide place for dark thoughts, another one is having trouble, and I have such a low self worth that I don't see why cutting myself is wrong.
Sorry for the longest tirade ever that probably is missing some parts but I wrote this pretty much as a stream of consciousness thing. If you read it, thank you, if not, I understand, it's a little long and underdeveloped.